Editor’s note: Across New Jersey, hospitals, clinics and treatment centers are providing care to thousands of active military personnel, veterans, first responders and their families who are dealing with mental health issues. This story is the latest in a continuing series about heroes who sought help for their own problems and are now actively helping others.
Brian L. had always been a high achiever.
The Bloomfield native’s high-octane personal drive fueled a distinguished career in the Army Reserve where, among other things, he completed one of the most difficult training regimens in the military to become an army sniper.
His accomplishments were not limited to the army reserve. He also graduated from the University of Delaware with a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice, earned a master’s degree in law and governance from Montclair State University and secured a job with a prestigious consulting firm in New York City.
And he was married with two daughters.
Yet, the uncompromising achieve-at-all costs attitude that pushed Brian L. up the ladder of success would be a catalyst of his downfall.
It was the third day of September 2021. Brian L. slept through most of that day and when he did wake, he sat alone in a room at his parents’ house, self-assessing a life that was collapsing around him because of alcohol.
His self-assessment was brutally honest. He was no longer in control, no longer able to do his job, no longer able to function at the high levels he once did, and no longer able to be a dad to his two children. He was 60 pounds overweight and dealing with jaundice and heart palpitations.
He took a deep breath and called his parents into the room. He told them he was about to do something that went against every fiber of his being. He was going to ask for help.
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Brian L. enlisted in 2014 and was assigned to the 113th Infantry Army National Guard stationed in Woodbridge. He was always looking for the next challenge and the idea of training to become an army sniper appealed to him.
Brian L. was aware that sniper training is very exacting and required an extraordinary amount of discipline.
“You have to study hard and work hard to get through the program,” Brian L. said. “You need to focus on the math and the formulas of shooting. You need to manage environmental factors and learn how to locate targets, deal with moving targets and how to identify them in obscure environments.
While training to become a lethal shooter, Brian L. was also chasing his master’s degree at MSU.
“I was working 60-hour weeks,” he said. “At sniper school I was treated very well, but it also gave me the feeling that I had to prove myself, and that no matter what I did, I needed to do better. I was in the mindset that I had to succeed. I could not allow myself to fail. In my thinking there was no middle ground. It was all or nothing. I would rather die than fail.”
Outgrowths of the pressure Brian L. put on himself included a panic attack in 2017 and high levels of anxiety, especially when he was about to deploy to Africa on a series of security missions in 2019. These missions took Brian L. to Somalia, Kenya, Yemen, and Mozambique over a nine-month period.
While there is no specific date Brian L. can cite when his drinking became an issue, he did see a purpose in his drinking.
“It made the panic go away,” he said. “I started using alcohol to self-medicate and from that point on, there was no turning back. Looking at it now, there were signs of my not dealing well with alcohol, but I was never a blackout drinker.”
He later admitted that the alcohol actually made his anxiety worse.
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Brian L. returned to the States from Africa just before Christmas in 2019 and transitioned to civilian life six months later. Not long after that, the COVID pandemic hit.
“Before COVID, I would start drinking about seven o’clock in the evening, then I progressed to starting at six, and then five o’clock. But I was always able to do my job.
“With COVID, I began working at home, so it didn’t matter what time I started drinking. I would start at four o’clock or three o’clock or two. Then it became a case of round-the-clock drinking. There was no way out of the cycle. And there was no joy in the drinking – it was only to help.”
Brian L. said this went on for 18 months.
“My family life was affected of course,” he said. “We were not co-habitating as it got worse. I had been in great shape thanks to my military service but now I had put on an extra 60 pounds of fat, my heart was undergoing palpitations, and my fingers were jaundiced. I had no feeling for anything.”
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Brian L. looks back on that fateful third day of September at his parents’ house.
“I had always thought that asking for help was a sign of weakness,” he said. “I had to overcome that thinking.”
With his parents’ help, he found the RESCU (Resilience, Empowerment, Safety and Care for our Uniformed Heroes) program at Recovery Centers of America Raritan Bay in South Amboy.
RESCU is an addiction treatment program for active-military, veterans and first responders. The program immerses patients in a community of fellow military and first responders who have similar life and professional experiences.
The program focuses on helping patients recover from substance abuse by addressing professional-related obstacles that could hamper their recovery. The program promises complete anonymity to patients.
Brian L. went into the RESCU program and did its seven-day detox program and then completed 23 days of inpatient treatment.
“I thought because of my drinking I had lost the right to be happy,” said Brian L. “When I got to the RESCU program, within the first 30 seconds I met a guy who had also been in the army and had a comparable job to mine. I knew immediately I was in the right place; I had to be here.
“I can’t say enough about the RESCU program. It laid the groundwork for my recovery. RESCU helped me realize that my problems were not unique in any way and that I wasn’t the only one with these problems. I had always thought my situation was unique. It felt good to talk to people with similar situations to mine.”
Brian L.’s recovery did not end with the 30-day program at RESCU. He was given the “homework” assignment of attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings.
“Honestly, I had not planned to go,” he confessed. “Then I thought maybe I might go one or two times. But as soon as I got there, I connected. I got involved with the program and did the 90 meetings in 90 days.”
Note: according to AA, people new to sobriety require a lot of support and may not feel physically or emotionally stable during this time, so AA recommends the practice of attending 90 meetings in 90 days.
“As I look back on it,” Brian L. said, “I think self-esteem was an issue for me. Now I realize I do not have to be perfect at everything. I know sometimes it is ok to be average. The program helped me lose all that extra weight and now I am in great shape again; and I am thriving at work. The program saved my life.”
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Brian L. now lives in Cranford and still works for the consulting firm he has been with since 2016. He has repaired the relationship with his family – his older daughter is four and his younger daughter is 10 months. He credits his wife Katy for standing with him through his struggles.
“She was the one who got me to go to sniper training,” Brian L. recalled. “When I first heard about the training, I kept saying I wasn’t sure if I could do it because I already had so many responsibilities. Finally, she said ‘go and try it and if you don’t make it, everything will still be okay.”
Brian L. reflected on his recovery.
“One of my most satisfying moments happened when a guy from my infantry company reached out to me last year because he was dealing with the same issues as I was. I got him to come to AA meetings and now he has been sober for a year.
“The important thing is to break the stigma associated with asking for help. Many people cannot admit to weakness, but you have to admit to yourself that you have a problem, then ask for help. I have been sober now for three years,” Brian L. said proudly. “It is a work in progress …”
